Tinkle me pink

Tell me I'm pretty

But I'm not blind, kid

I know I look shitty

Dress up in tutus

Thrashing with glitter

Twirls getting dizzy

But I'm not a quitter

Blush covered freckles

Eyes painted blue

I know it's pretend

I'm not quite yet through

Wearing tiaras

Painting our nails

I'm not a princess

And this daydream fails

balance

When I care too much things can be so beautiful

but mostly they just seem tragic. I teeter constantly, spinning on the edge of Whydon’tyougiveafuck and You have no reason to want to cry your eyes out. But

I want to cry I want to

cry so badly everything hurts everything is beautiful but everything is tragic everything is

squeezing my chest. I am battered black and blue I am

beaten up inside the hollows under my eyes are black and blue the skin on my arms is

exposed too much about me is now vulnerable and I just want to believe I just want to believe I just want to believe in us.

I don’t think how could you know you can’t understand you can’t possibly that every thing you do every little thing affects me so fully believe you me believe me just trust me i don’t want it to be like this I hate being so pathetic I hate the

the the the goddamn ache in my ribs I get from loving you too much

I need to find some fucking balance .

I want to sing

I want to sing about how my heart starts up when I think of you
How your voice can drown out all the rest of the noise
How when you laugh it’s infectious
And when you’re upset, all I want to do is comfort you
How I would do anything for you
I would never turn you away, or tell you to stop, or to leave me alone
How much I want to hold your hand
And rustle my hands through your hair
And tell you that I love you and then kiss you
And then lean my forehead against yours
And just stare into your eyes without being able to wipe away my smile
I want to sing about how it would be for us to be together
How I would show you my world, and you’d show me yours
How we would go on adventures together
Walking through fields, or going on road trips, or just sitting on a couch
How much in love with you I’d let myself become
I want to sing about our cliché moments
And the moments that we’ll make unique
I want to sing about how it feels to look at you
And embrace you and lay next to you when we’re both sleepy
With your arms wrapped around me under the warmth of a blanket
How we would dance together without a care in the world
How I would tell you all of my secrets
And how we would become the best of friends
And take on the world together, just the two of us
I want to sing about everything that you and I could become
But I’m afraid that words won’t be able to describe it
As well as my mind can picture it and my heart can feel it

Get me out of this skin
The scratches, the scars
Engravement of sin

I’m drowning in chaos
Grimacing and crying
Don’t want to be lost

Someone pull me out
I’m sinking and screaming
About to blackout

Gripping the branches
My nails are bending
A few more chances

Give one last shriek
Please someone, anyone
Left to defeat

from january

A breath, a momentary glance. She stood before her window staring, arms spread curtain gathered bunched up in her fists. One second, a single click of the clunky clangy clock, one heartbeat than another. She had not moved then and she could not now, the faint pale winter light slipping in through the cracks in the shades. She had tangled her hair in her fingers like so many spiders and the moment had passed, no different than any of the previous thousands of moments but leaving her extraordinarily changed inside. Like someone had reached in through a hole in her throat and yanked everything out in one awful single tug. What had filled her before was gone, no more organs or tangles of veins, just a hollow map of webs but no one on the outside could see there was any difference through the thin shell of her skin and bones, they couldn’t see that everything was gone and that she was just a home for spiders.

It hadn’t been impressive. In fact, thinking back on it she could not remember what it had been at all, the thing that had entirely uprooted everything she had hugged to herself as true her entire life. It had just been one of those things, something you see out of the corner of your eye that makes you turn back for a second look, and then you just turn away and shake it off ignoring that strange feeling invading your gut. And now she was wholly different. An utterly unchangeable change, and no one noticed that the girl who climbed into bed that night was not the same girl who had woken in it.

Gangly, gawky, there was something about the gracefully bruised curve of your knees that twisted around the vocal cords tight in my throat, and I couldn’t say a word.

Your eyes flicked inmy direction brown but maybe a little green spiraling out hidden secret I just wanted to know. I stared at you for probably a second too long and you dropped your gaze down to the floor and rocked eversoslightly forward and backward on your heels on the cold concrete floor ; youpulled your shirtsleeves down over your hands hide hide hide and crossed your arms awkwardly over your thin ribbed chest.

Who are you where did you come from but the words were not strong enough to break through the walls of my teeth were not creative enough to unglue my sticky lips.

and this is me, apologizing profusely for the myriad of new red lines crossing tangling up my arm. And this is me, breathing deeply for the first time in weeks, clutching my makeshift knife in barely trembling fingers. And this is me, proving you wrong, proving everyone wrong who said You don't need it. and this is me, with nothing to complain about but a fucked up sense of relief. this is me, feeling guilty for letting you down while at the same time beating myself up for not cutting deeper, what the fuck are those half assed barely bleeding scrapes if youre going to do it at least do it right at least make it count.

It isn't a matter of quiting I wish I could tell you I wish i could tell anyone it's just a matter of the time in between, how long i can pretend I've stopped for good.

Here is what i really want, I want to press so deeply that i dont have to think for hours i don't have to be in my head, I hate this ephemeral relief that's already flooding out of me because it's been so goddamn long and i am so goddamn stressed out.

fuck I can't even i don't feel this it doesn't even sting and that more than anything scares the fuck out of me it doesn't sting not even a little where is my where why doesn't it hurt why isn't it taking me away why is does my chest still hurt more deeper need now pull and I hate myself for hurting you this isn't your fault why can't you why doesn't anyone understand me when i get this way

i hate myself so fucking much but i know that somewhere there is ap art of me that I like i can't stand god I need this to go away god god god this is me apologizing because I am so fucking sorry i'm breaking my promise

I'm a mess
distressed
pretty in a dress
put to the test

You're smile
awhile
somewhat senile
put on trial

Our lips
slips
hand in your grip
fixing the rip

We're tangled
mangled
jaw is angled
being strangled

What chemistry
symmetry
will always be
you and me

last night

Last night we drove to the edge of the world and parked on the bluff and looked at the ocean. The rain drizzled down like a lazy faucet, my feet were bare on the ground in the puddles and the slow wet trickle soaked through us layer by layer all the way down to our bones. Four matches and the cigarette was lit; we passed it between us and I tried to sneak an extra drag while you blew out smoke.

You closed your eyes and leaned your head back against your car and said Aah this feels so good and I didn’t say anything I just watched you unable to understand why the words made me a little sad put a twinge in my chest. I wish I could make you feel good without this I wish I was enough I wish you didn’t want this I thought but I didn’t say anything still because smoking had been my idea to start with and I am not out to change who you are.

Our fingers touched closer and closer as the cigarette passed between us and you held on to the filter embers smoldering a finger length away. Mind if I take it? you said and I shook my head and watched you finish it off, holding in the smoke packing it into your lungs like you wanted to die like to be in the world would kill you.

I spun out a few steps and lay flat on the ground on the pavement and looked up at the stars. It makes your body numb but it makes me numb on the inside I wanted to say but of course I didn’t I don’t talk too much when I am thinking. You’re crazy, you said, you’re going to get soaked, let me help you up.

Head shake and above us the thin clouds passed it had stopped raining by now. I watched the stars and you talked about the universe and how small everything really is how small we are and I didn’t say much, I just wanted to lay on the cold wet ground and stare at the sky and watch everything turn and feel numb numb numb because it scares me to care so much all the time and it’s true, we are so small and all I want allI wan t I just want you to hold me tight and all i want is to be better than the drugs you breathe into yourself all too often all I want I just want you to love me the way you say you do.

Please, let me help you up, you said and held out your arms and nothing sounded so good to me in that moment as just lying there slowly freezing to the core watching the earth spin but I grabbed your hands and you pulled me to my feet and we drove back to my house where you wouldn’t let me have another cigarette. It’s not fair for you to worry about me, I thought about saying but by that point my lips were cemented shut. I can’t cut any more and you won’t let me smoke enough to get away, what else am I supposed to do?

We took a walk and you asked me if I was all right and I smiled a little and nodded and said Mhmbut I don’t know why I am scared by you when you’re on drugs I just want you to love me that’s really all, and then we went inside and danced to electronic music Chiodos The Gorillaz and I cried a little about something stupid and then C came and you left and we went to her car and smoked pot out of a bong she constructed easily and with practice. I didn’t like it very much I did it I I breathed smoke out of her window I wanted another cigarette instead but I didn’t say that I didn’t say much at all.

Much later we lay in bed more than half asleep and she said How did I get this bad? and I said It just happens and she said I’ve smoked seventeen bowls tonight and I said You should smoke less and she said I know but nothing is going to change not really.

The stars spin so prettypretty.

Sometimes, you say and then you stop. Sometimes what, I say. You turn your head lift it up and look at me, eyes miserable. Nothing, you say. It has to be something, I sigh and I don’t want to play this game any more, I don’t want to care.

Don’t worry about it, you say. I look down at you, crammed into the narrow space between the bottom of the bed and the wall, knees tucked up tight to your chest like the world might end and you are trying to make yourself as small as possible. I stretch out wide across the bed and take up as much space as I can because suddenly small is not okay because suddenly I need room because suddenly this layer of skin pulled tight across my bones is not large enough.

Fine, I say and watch your head instantly crumple at the sound of the curt dispassionate response, graceful pale swan neck folding down dark hair curtaining your face from me from the world. When something hurts you go far inside, you said to me once back when I actually cared what you felt. You back away from everything else and curl up tight with your pain knotting your chest. Talk to me, I said to you then. Don’t shut me out, let me in let me help if you go inside I want to go with you.

I almost ask how you are, for old time’s sake. I almost lean over the edge of the bed and grab your delicate hand in mine and kiss the myriad of scars you’ve spangled across your wrist. I almost but then I don’t. I don’t care about you not really, but I do care a little that I don’t care anymore. I don’t care, but I remember caring remember endless nights holding you as closely as tightly as possible remember wanting more than anything to make it all okay.

Sometimes, you say again, voice muffled and quiet against the tights covering your knees, sometimes I wish things were different. I look at you and you lift your head again tilt back your face and look at me too and we just look at each other for awhile both silent and not quite content. I don’t say anything about the pill container I found in your drawer last week even though I think that maybe I should. I don’t say anything at all.

Silence eats you from the inside out, you say pulling a string on your tights and unraveling a section of the neverending pattern. So does cancer, I say. You look at me through half-closed eyes. that isn’t what I was talking about, you say and I shrug and pretend I don’t know exactly what you mean.

this isn't really a song but i just wanted to write.

I just want it to be right you say and then there is a moment of silence where you are waiting for me to say something back but I keep the air sealed tight away behind my lips and then you laugh a little awkwardly and I exhale slowly after a long time. Nothing is right I say and you shake your head gold light torching the soft dark strands of your hair. Some things are right. But you don’t look at me as you say it.

The rough chop cut of bangs hitting my eyes is not as it should be is not fitted is not me at all but none of this is and isn’t that the point after all. None of this is right, none of this is how it should be but it is not something we acknowledge we keep it buried down deep unspoken renewed in silence every morning. When the slanted light cuts through the thin fabric sheet we wake up on opposite sides of the bed where we have twisted away to during the night as our bodies know they are not meant to be tangled together in the ways we force them, as if they know this is wrongwrongwrong.

Your hand twitches forward like an accident until you brush a thumb across my cheek the joint gangly and ungraceful and the touch rough against my face. I love you you say and you turn up your lips and I stare at your eyes and they are beautiful but there is nothing in them. Well, you say. Aren’t you going to say anything.

I turn my head and hang my hair forward like a curtain separating us greasy and in knots. I need to smoke I say and you frown because that’s the wrong answer of course but you hand me a cigarette anyway and light it too, cupping your hand around the flame unnecessarily. I take a drag and you take it from my fingers but you don’t put it to your lips you just hold it there delicately like the faintly smoldering ember end might set you on fire. Don’t you love me you say and I take back the cigarette. Yes, I say and inhale. Of course.

Keep it clear
Keep it clear
Keep it clear as crystal
Intentions coming close to harm
Destructive as a missile

Wish I saw
Wish I saw
Wish I saw this coming
I would have tried avoiding you
To keep my heart from drumming

Now I see
Now I see
Now I see they're empty
Eyes can't match the love in mine
Less than when you met me

Let it be
Let it be
Let it be as guided
I believed you that were genuine
Now I see you're just two sided

Keep it clear
Wish I saw
Now I see
Let it be