Directionless
road trip
the car is on neutral
take a ride, let it glide
nothing to wish for
no symmetric time
to make this better
give me bliss
something to miss
or someone to kiss
everything, anything
pass me a compass
give me a point
somewhere to go
something to see
someone to be
Tired of being free

spirals and stars

you fall in spirals
you burn in stars
the mist from your mouth
clouds your scars

the elegance
your natural grace
your outward beauty
it's all a waste

you put out self hatred
but deep inside
your narcissism
is hard to hide

you fall in spirals
you burn in stars
the mist from your mouth
clouds your scars

it's true you don't care
it's true that i did
your indifference
abusive.

you watched me shudder
you watched me tear
your fingers twisted
me beyond repair

you fall in spirals
you burn in stars
the mist from your mouth
clouds your scars

you fall in spirals
you burn in stars
your indifference
broke my heart.

mirror

not so easily broken this time,

or else fake it better

trying to intimidate my wide-eyed reflection.

don't you dare cry

wish i could

i want a normal human reaction

i don't know what i think anymore

i shoved away the apathy

and now hesitant words split my heart.

won't be so easily broken again

but i still want to feel.

please let me be happy for once.

oop boop boop

i stopped myself, be proud of me.

i texted him, be angry.

i cleared my head so i can see

haven't called you back, i'm sorry.

bye

it still makes me tremble to talk to you.

i don't know if i forgive you:

where is my apology,

where is my acknowledgement?

you have not paid your dues

but time rushes by

and i'm done dwelling.

They tell me to stop
To turn away and kept walking
To stop trying to say hello
to the person who I see you as
and start seeing the person
that they deem as hopeless
But if only it was that easy
If I could stop caring I would
but it's not for us to decide
You hurt me more than anyone
You've given me more scars
More reasons to hate
More reasons to scream
than I thought were imaginable
But you also make me the happiest
Don't ask why
If I knew I would let you know
But I don't and I can't stop
Why do I care so much
If nothing even had happened,
how can it feel like I lost everything
So don't tell me to stop
Don't tell me to move on
Because I've tried many times
But I can't seem to let you go

Burn the memories, then burn the ashes
Not a speck left of those terrible lashes

Keep your head forward, hide the tears
Keep your chin up as mascara smears

Hold onto your chest, secured with a pin
Your heart is shattered and caving in

Scowl in mind, disguised with a smile
Love turned to shame, disgusting and vile

Ball up your fists, screaming in rage
Your body is numb, heart not engaged

Give one last look, salt in the wound
Know it's all over, but finished too soon

Get shelter from friends, accept their embrace
But you'll never get over that it all went to waste

Don't try to explain it, you never will know
Just know that the scars will always still show

apology

you make me smile till my cheeks hurt
you make me laugh until i ache
your whispered words make me shiver
then you hold me while i shake

you promise not to hurt me
your bright eyes say it's true
but i don't understand it
how i can't be in love with you.

he hangs there like a shadow
songs stab my chest to hear
i'm scared to death i'll hurt you
that i won't feel that way again

not for you
not when it counts.
not when a great person
actually loves me back.

i'm
so
sorry.

A Heart and an Ice Pick

Ignorantly
I shelled my heart
A layer of ice
Protected it from emotion
From pain and happiness
And like deja vu
You picked up your ice pick
and hacked away
And if your pick wasn't enough
your smile helped
warming my heart
melting the ice
But you don't even know
You can't tell what you're doing
It's a part of us that we can't control
We can't stop it
We're both stuck and tangled
And so my heart was warmed
but the pick went to deep
My heart is wounded
the blood never ceasing
You beat life into me again
A life I wanted to spend with you
A life you didn't know you had saved
A life that you would waste
And a heart that was protected
specifically from you
is now raw and deformed
an open wound
one that you will never fill
as much as I wish you would

These Lyrics

These lyrics
Are as valuable to you
As they are to me
Read them as stale
Dry of meaning
Interpretations as shallow
As were the intentions
I would love for these to be beautiful
Rich in emotion
The amplitude of a feeling
But as feelings run apathetic
So do thoughts and words
And lyrics quickly follow

tumble.

people

only

let you

down

and i fall

fall

fall

fall.

pretty words

words are just words but

your words are pretty

and it’s easy to get lost

in them, not this time not this time.

hard to remember, hard to

care when i just want you

to care.

that’s it.

music mash

i was lying when i said i believe in clean breaks / i need you so much closer / to ruin me / i need you so much closer / i was lying when i said / go / i need you so much closer / i was lying when i said / i'm alive and i am free / i need you so much closer / but will you draw the line? / i was lying when i said / i'll find a way / i need you so much closer / i was lying when i said i believe in clean breaks


dashboard / death cab / dashboard / death cab / dashboard / missy higgins / death cab / dashboard / missy higgins / death cab / missy higgins / dashboard / missy higgins / death cab / dashboard


dashboard confessional ; clean breaks
death cab for cutie ; transatlanticism 
missy higgins ; katie 

good night

snoop

mind your own business

i do not want to play today

i do not want to sing

i want to sleep the day away

hear the night birds sing. 

shh.

the silence is so loud
the silence is so loud.
and the silence is so loud
it splits apart my head.  


words are cold and sharp
words are cold and sharp
your words are cold and sharp
im dying for your warmth. 


i walk the streets alone
i walk the streets alone
now i walk the streets alone
the midnight sky is dark.


your arms dont hold me tight
your arms dont hold me tight
and your arms don't hold me tight
what did i do wrong?


and the silence is so loud,
and your arms don't hold me tight.
your words are cold and sharp
now i walk the streets alone. 

time's hauntings

Stay right there
don't move
don't change
the clock's ticking
but we can still run
hide from the tick, the tock
only whispers separate us from time
I don't want to move forward
Speak softly
Run faster
Keep going until you can't hear it
We can escape
Just you and me
Let's just run from it all
Hand and hand like it shouldve been
Before the clock stopped us
Just keep going
Keep running
We'll escape it forever
just you and me
the clock won't be able to haunt us
to follow us
to stop us
it will be just like it should've been
in a matter of time

believe this

this is who i am

more real that any smile

you may not like it

but it is how i tell the truth.

life is hard

and sometimes i don't know how to

handle that.

but life is good

and i am astoundingly grateful

for every day

every chance i have to love.

synthetic flesh

a synthetic layer of flesh hides

me from the people who do not understand

sometimes masks are best

Puppet show

You had me dancing
I feel the strings on my arms
Right swing back
Left swing forward
A daily routine
You've been practicing
You're getting closer
Complete control in the midst
As I feel you tugging me forward
I see a blank face in the audience
Yet I feel its laughter
I am ashamed
But I still smile
With my cheeks painted red
You stitched it in place
I look up at you in the fly loft
Holding my strings
My life
Sneering in glee
And as I walk towards the wings
Ending the show
You try to pull me away
Tugging me back to the stage
But I resist
I bite the strings in panic
Twisting and flailing
Until they snap
One by one
My limbs become free
I breathe for the first time
Humanity in my grasp
As I walk out
I see another blank face
I try and frown
But all I can do is smile
It's still stiched in place
Your permanent stain on my soul
Although I can walk free
You still have control

Can it feel it too?

The ground rumbles beneath our feet
Can it feel it too? I wonder
Feel my heart start to beat
Beat faster and faster
Until my cheeks swell with blushes
Until my hands feel sweaty
Until my knees start to tremble
I seem to be falling apart
And yet it's the best feeling I feel
You have that effect on me

sleepwalk me home

oh no no no no no

i don't want to grow.

take these good years slow

before they all erode.

i dream of being alone

of sinking in my bones

i dream of being alone

while you sleepwalk me home

darlin youre sweet-talking prone

i would bet everything i own

that deep down in your bones

you sleepwalk alone

i cant slam down the phone

but in my ear you moan

of things that i dont want to know

of places that i'll never go

you lament over your lucky life

say dumb things then pay the price

you carve your arm up with a knife

you can't deal with your lucky life

you don't see that i'm here for you

you don't see that we're here for you

you don't see that my words are true

you don't see and you don't do

you whisper to me i don't know

your confidence is overgrown

your friends all think that you're the one

you radiate in the setting sun

you radiate and you don't know

this dim light makes your halo glow

a pale light streaming round your head

caught in your hair hung by a thread

the truth is that we both are wrong

we're stuck here in this endless song

i never thought that i'd be wrong

that the months would fly fast on and on

i never thought that id be wrong

i never thought that id be wrong

now it's done and there's no rest

you saw me at my very best

you saw me at my most useless

we twirled around in falling snow

then lay and watched the flowers grow

the summer heat sprung on us fast

and in fall we breathed our last

breath that was intertwined

you showed me yours, i showed you mine

we never stopped to read the signs

we never saw the warning signs

we never saw the flowers die

wilt away in drizzling snow

you meant please stay but you said go

now in my dreams i run so slow

in my dreams, i am alone

your confidence is overgrown

i know you want to be alone

as you sweet-talk me through the phone

as in my ear you groan

you don't want to be alone

but in your dreams i know

you sleepwalk alone

while you sleepwalk me home.

wake up wake up you are going to die.

"I have faith in you that could move planets."

I've got faith in you that could move planets,

that could blow away these walls of stone.

but you resister your words meaningless

and the wall stays strong, i stay alone

You say i've got a voice

that i'm talented with words

ive got a talent for life,

ive got a talent for hurt.

I endorse repetition

but some mistakes come at a price.

no repetition no symmetry,
won't fall for your broken heart twice

you turn yourself to ice and

freeze your way through my veins

i would swear im going mad

i would swear that i'm insane.

the walls you swore to break

are now of reinforced steel

thanks to you i'll always doubt

thanks to you i'll never feel.

I gave you so much of who i was and

i just cant believe

it's really hard to think

you could dream of taking more

like i've got any more

to give . leave

me alone

stop your petty jealousy

. you may be pretty but

if outsides were insides you

would be the most

hideous

creature alive.

i wrote this for you

&imsorry.

i want you to

want to save me, just

you

but it is

all right in the end.

i will save myself. what i

have is words, what i have

is dreams, what i have is

a perfect life not

hopeless, so let go of this

pipedream

.

(& i want you but all i have is a hopeless pipesdream.)

You once said to me

I used to be able to say that I like you

Cause of an inevitable smile as I said your name

But now as your name inches up my throat

Instead of bliss I seem to greet disdain

Youre cooler than everyone you once said to me

And that everyone else knew it was true

But if those words were said by you these days

I would question whether it was really you

Back then I gave in and said you were right

There is no need to argue with obvious fact

Who would’ve thought that a harmless two years

Would turn out to have such a harmful impact

The lie that is now is as clear as my frown

Its become as blunt as your declining glance

You’re no longer cool from everyone’s point of view

We’ve all grown accustomed to a weary stance

Sometimes I think there’s some hope left in you

That your statement wouldn’t always remain a lie

But as I look now at your new atmosphere

The hopelessness of light blackens my sky

On a Whim

Tightly constricted

Loss of breath

I had you wrapped around my finger

Sudden restrictions

A quickened mess

No longer a desire to linger

Constant battles

Never put to rest

At my sight you became a cringer

Stubborn behavior

Now a pest

You decided to snap off my finger

Absent closure

I must confess

Losing you stays longer to linger

bloodlust

im clutching my head

to hold in my brain

the words that you've said

all ringing insane

the light in your eyes

your feverish bark

this twisted doll tries

to dance in the dark

your face gives me chills

and nightmares in bed

i swallow the pills

turn myself into lead

the strings that you pull;

my will becomes dust.

im frightened you know

of your newfound bloodlust

the blood on your wrist

beats deep in my veins

i'm clenching my fist

we still are the same

the games that you play

are sucking me dry

you shirk from the day

as your wicked thoughts fly

each night you reveal

what's hidden inside

your mouth is a seal

that safeguards your lies

tongue in your cheek

and an ache in your gut

each time that you speak

i fall back in the rut

your stories are pretty

i admit that that's true

but they're getting quite shitty,

the things that you do

i have to just say it

so please hear me now

i'm through with your shit

you're done, take a bow.

Clean slate

Singing melodies in the rain

The clean slate begins to stain

Close my eyes, close your eyes too

Finally something new to pursue

You're the person

While I sleep your eyes never leave me

But as the sun rises they never meet mine

I call you the person I disklike the most

While telling myself that it will be fine

If I could talk to you for a moment right now

I’d hit your face to make up for the past

And ask for an endless amount of time

Or a moment with you that will never pass

Oh helpless grudge of mine that will always exist

Please linger for a moment but start to dismiss

Every second with you is an addition to bliss

Because I say that I hate you, but it’s you that I miss

Built for cruelty

keep the beatings coming

give me your best shot

throw me around like punching bag

purposely built for cruelty

my skin had thickened

my heart has callused

just know that you're the reason

I can keep enduring insanity

dear mother.

listen to what im saying

stop hearing what you want

such a high price you're paying

for every jibe and each taunt.

you scream there's something wrong with me

you twist the words i speak

you invent these problems; i try to see

how you think i'm such a freak.

stop imagining things that don't exist

im not as fucked as you think

im not entirely disaster-kissed;

i can float; i dont just sink.

here is my solution:

take some prozac.

Tongue Tied

as I cry the deceit out of my eyes

the tea left to comfort me

burns a hole in my mouth

leaving me tongue tied and alone

but you've gotten me use to the feeling

Descention

keep your face hidden

cover the scars

your steps become tipsy

hold onto the bars

chug down some vodka

burning your throat

blame your surroundings

the only scapegoat

pass out every morning

don't remember a thing

living this life

darkness in full swing

keep avoiding the problems

run from the pain

give up your dignity

no one else left to blame

marker

you painted a black x over your heart

and said you couldn't find it

my fingers covered the marker

the rain dribbled a line down

your chest, you said you would

stop looking if only i would smile.

today

i swear you are a broken remote

stuck flipping back and forth

lick your finger

feel the wind

what's it going to be today?

oh tell me what does the paper read?

bombing or newlyweds

oh tell me are we at war?

your accusations, your jealousy

in the end they all mean nothing

when you whip around

my mistake,

not today not now

no hugs no love

i dont like who you are

mind changing that?

im so tired

i dont know

which mistake ive made this time

what is wrong with this?

the picture wont come out

the edges won't melt

the pieces won't fit

Look me in the eye

don't walk away
rack up some courage
look me in the eye
tell me why you're so restricted
so cemented to this new idea
the concept of ignorance
pretend to not notice me
pretend that I'm not here
it only confirms the suspicions
you say that you never cared
so why's it so hard to look me in the eye
what are you afraid that i'll see
you never cared, remember
why must it be awkward
why can't we say simplicities
civil hellos and goodbyes
why must it be all or nothing
you shouldn't have to make such an effort
an effort to erase me from your mind
if in the end you had no heart to mend

The fine print

a dictionary was thrust into your hands
for words that you still did not understand
you flipped through the pages of endless lines
hoping to find what we've all learned it time
and under the fine print it said quite clear
that leave me alone means please stay here

look up

the blue sky laughs

the black sky chills

the pink sky stuns

the red sky fades

but the grey sky is free.

your way out

Im so tired of breathing

Im so tired of sleep.

Im so tired of lying

But honesty is cheap.

Im sick of these memories

Im sick of the dark.

Im sick of my every flaw

But everyone is scarred.

Baby I believed you

When you said it would be okay

So I didn’t see you

Slowly fade away

Im sorry I wasn’t there

To hold back your tears

Sometimes I do get lonely

And sink into my fears.

My eyelids bear a message;

Theyre carved with your last words.

It kills me every time I blink

But it’s no more than I deserve.

I should have seen it sooner

I should have held your hand

Instead of spreading my fingers

And letting you sink like sand.

But like a cliché it’s much too late

Because now youre gone

Im flipping through these pictures

And lifting my voice in song.

The truth, it never sets you free

It traps you like a cage

Id call it impossible to get out

But it seems you found a way.

And I miss you.

finger painting

you draw the creativity

out through my fingertips

and laugh as i stare in wonder.

but all i can say is

but all you can hear is

the words beat through my blood

Your stupid ignorance

Now we're both looking with nothing to say
Your stupid ignorance but you won't look away
If I said that catching you didn't light a fire
Than you would be honest calling me a liar

Why

Why
Am I always to one to care
the one to stare
to one to quake
the one to break
Why should I sit here and write you a song
When it's all your fault
that it all went wrong
These lyrics will never reach your ears
The message won't be clear
But it's one you need to hear

poison

you are poison and i am

better off without you

better off without you

the wreckage keeping me afloat

well it's finally made me see

im better off without you

and i dont miss a thing.

kick me down:

twist my arm

pull my hair.

break me down:

words and lies

again black and blue

then repeat

all in the name of friendship.

you are poison and im

better off without you

better off without you

this wreckage keeping me afloat

well it's finally made me see

i'm better off without you

and i don't miss a thing.

Sharing the sky

What an insightful thought
that the endless blue
up above you
is the same across the loom of land and sea
the twinkling of stars
in hues of yellow
soft and mellow
Are as far away from you as they are from me
although our hug casts a shadow of a thousand miles
overstretching across the plains
I look above and feel a sense of comfort
cause the sky above you is just the same