last night

Last night we drove to the edge of the world and parked on the bluff and looked at the ocean. The rain drizzled down like a lazy faucet, my feet were bare on the ground in the puddles and the slow wet trickle soaked through us layer by layer all the way down to our bones. Four matches and the cigarette was lit; we passed it between us and I tried to sneak an extra drag while you blew out smoke.

You closed your eyes and leaned your head back against your car and said Aah this feels so good and I didn’t say anything I just watched you unable to understand why the words made me a little sad put a twinge in my chest. I wish I could make you feel good without this I wish I was enough I wish you didn’t want this I thought but I didn’t say anything still because smoking had been my idea to start with and I am not out to change who you are.

Our fingers touched closer and closer as the cigarette passed between us and you held on to the filter embers smoldering a finger length away. Mind if I take it? you said and I shook my head and watched you finish it off, holding in the smoke packing it into your lungs like you wanted to die like to be in the world would kill you.

I spun out a few steps and lay flat on the ground on the pavement and looked up at the stars. It makes your body numb but it makes me numb on the inside I wanted to say but of course I didn’t I don’t talk too much when I am thinking. You’re crazy, you said, you’re going to get soaked, let me help you up.

Head shake and above us the thin clouds passed it had stopped raining by now. I watched the stars and you talked about the universe and how small everything really is how small we are and I didn’t say much, I just wanted to lay on the cold wet ground and stare at the sky and watch everything turn and feel numb numb numb because it scares me to care so much all the time and it’s true, we are so small and all I want allI wan t I just want you to hold me tight and all i want is to be better than the drugs you breathe into yourself all too often all I want I just want you to love me the way you say you do.

Please, let me help you up, you said and held out your arms and nothing sounded so good to me in that moment as just lying there slowly freezing to the core watching the earth spin but I grabbed your hands and you pulled me to my feet and we drove back to my house where you wouldn’t let me have another cigarette. It’s not fair for you to worry about me, I thought about saying but by that point my lips were cemented shut. I can’t cut any more and you won’t let me smoke enough to get away, what else am I supposed to do?

We took a walk and you asked me if I was all right and I smiled a little and nodded and said Mhmbut I don’t know why I am scared by you when you’re on drugs I just want you to love me that’s really all, and then we went inside and danced to electronic music Chiodos The Gorillaz and I cried a little about something stupid and then C came and you left and we went to her car and smoked pot out of a bong she constructed easily and with practice. I didn’t like it very much I did it I I breathed smoke out of her window I wanted another cigarette instead but I didn’t say that I didn’t say much at all.

Much later we lay in bed more than half asleep and she said How did I get this bad? and I said It just happens and she said I’ve smoked seventeen bowls tonight and I said You should smoke less and she said I know but nothing is going to change not really.

The stars spin so prettypretty.