there are so few signs of you left and

i feel everything breaking

all the walls are being beaten down

smashing crumbling falling

one by one and it’s leaving me

ill and exposed

vulnerable in a way i swore i’d never

i didn’t want to be like this again.

i don’t want to let you break my heart

i don’t want to hate you

i don’t want to let you let me go

there isn’t much

i can’t do a thing to make this any different

i haven’t let it matter but it

drains me you know? it is

draining to talk to people who are

well i just want it back i just want

best friends, you know, your

definition sucks, i don’t like this

i don’t much care for it

i want nights on the phone and days spent together

that is reasonable

i don’t like this distance, what the hell

is it all changing for.

fuck you, you are hurting me

and you promised you promised baby you promised

WHY the question bursts from my lips and struggles against my tongue

it shoves apart my teeth and i clench my aching jaw shut.

(you haven’t said I love you in the longest time)

it doesn’t have to be like this

i am ok i am ok you know that i want to just be friends

but it is hard when your fingers around me, well

well to be honest it’s just in my mind

i stop trying you disappear

testing my theory, oh god please don’t

prove my hypothesis , i can’t stand it no not one bit

why don’t you

miss me

the way i

miss you

and if you

do

why do you

seem

perfectly

wonderfully

fucking

happy without

me

when i am dying

in increments

hidden

tucked into the side

i am disappearing until you get here

this rib cracking gasping realization,

i fucking need you baby i need you with me,

i am gone i am gone i have given it everything i can

and it terrifies me i am more scared of anything in the world

i am scared i am scared

that you will never

never

get there that i will just fall away

and land face first on the hot cement

chip my teeth and break my nose and never repair the

internal damage.

but what other choices have i got left.

so please oh god please

love me enough to miss me achingly

love me enough to need me to breathe

get rid of this space give me back

the comfortable closeness it breaks my heart to have missing.