there are so few signs of you left and

i feel everything breaking

all the walls are being beaten down

smashing crumbling falling

one by one and it’s leaving me

ill and exposed

vulnerable in a way i swore i’d never

i didn’t want to be like this again.

i don’t want to let you break my heart

i don’t want to hate you

i don’t want to let you let me go

there isn’t much

i can’t do a thing to make this any different

i haven’t let it matter but it

drains me you know? it is

draining to talk to people who are

well i just want it back i just want

best friends, you know, your

definition sucks, i don’t like this

i don’t much care for it

i want nights on the phone and days spent together

that is reasonable

i don’t like this distance, what the hell

is it all changing for.

fuck you, you are hurting me

and you promised you promised baby you promised

WHY the question bursts from my lips and struggles against my tongue

it shoves apart my teeth and i clench my aching jaw shut.

(you haven’t said I love you in the longest time)

it doesn’t have to be like this

i am ok i am ok you know that i want to just be friends

but it is hard when your fingers around me, well

well to be honest it’s just in my mind

i stop trying you disappear

testing my theory, oh god please don’t

prove my hypothesis , i can’t stand it no not one bit

why don’t you

miss me

the way i

miss you

and if you

do

why do you

seem

perfectly

wonderfully

fucking

happy without

me

when i am dying

in increments

hidden

tucked into the side

i am disappearing until you get here

this rib cracking gasping realization,

i fucking need you baby i need you with me,

i am gone i am gone i have given it everything i can

and it terrifies me i am more scared of anything in the world

i am scared i am scared

that you will never

never

get there that i will just fall away

and land face first on the hot cement

chip my teeth and break my nose and never repair the

internal damage.

but what other choices have i got left.

so please oh god please

love me enough to miss me achingly

love me enough to need me to breathe

get rid of this space give me back

the comfortable closeness it breaks my heart to have missing.

How dare you
not fair to
theres no need for deceit
discreet
you can still defeat
me and my fantasies
can't you see
that I just wanted honesty
you promised me
said to me
how it would be
and a believed you
no reason not to
I know that I've got to
just don't lie
playing sly
to my attention
and good intentions
I gave you air
time to stare
moments to glare
time to repair
and there was no reason
to lie is to treason

Why are people so inclined to display false intentions
to love someone and hide it for fear of rejection
to love someone in itself is nothing to hide
vulnerability and shame are the consequences
no, not punishments, just a step from ideal
to look directly into their eyes as they stare
what a rush compared to aversion and gawk
putting your feelings on display is confidence
what a burden it lifts from your chest
as the outcome is placed in their hands
the worst scenario being one without change
to end up nowhere is the largest tragedy
but what tragedy is one with no regret?

Mind cleared, thoughts smeared
Not sure how I feel about this
Drowning in an OD of feeling
or sinking in a pit of apathy

It's unbelievable, it's unbelievable
and quite frankly I'm shaken
Still seeking where it came from
and pushing to discover its end

How can I be blamed for this
tossing of words and smiles
when my heart was unveiled
too fast for my mind to follow

Humiliation or redemption
unfortunately out of my control
two minds so alike
that their flaws keep them apart

Dear Julia
I just wanted to say hello
It seems that we've grown apart
as we learned to grow
The distance between our houses
has always stayed the same
but the distance between the two of us
has nothing more to gain
Dear Julia
I remember we never strayed apart
I told you all my dreams
Which you supported from the start
We were the best of friends
Your house was like my home
and my family was your family
my backyard for you to roam
Dear Julia
Sometimes I hear a song
that reminds me of those times
and how far they're gone
As I ride past your house
I know that our friendship's done
but sometimes I look back
and wonder where it went wrong

stormy eye

stormy eye,

i loved you dark into the summer

your pretty cheek

molded in my fingers

i felt nothing

the sheets whispered softly

smooth porcelain

in the pale morning glow

i loved you and

i felt nothing at all.

stormy eye,

i loved you dark into the summer

breathe separately,

the air is running out.

She keeps her chin up
Her shins cuffed
to the right stuff
Watching their legs twist
With the darkness
so foolish

She knows to be classy
with her lips sassy
and her heart brassy
Watching them laugh free
But she disagrees
Always has a plea

They make her shatter
constant batter
waste matter
But somehow she's ashamed
The one to blame
Can't be tamed