10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3

watch everything wash by the sea

3 3 2 2 1 0 0 0

from far above you scream down below

shadows in your eyes slunk deep in the bone

your rodiron lungs won't leave you alone

your chest is steel and your tongue is brass

gasoline not blood through your heart fast fast fast

dressed to impress or maybe to kill

mind races on while your body stays still

under the sheets your pale limbs fade

the pressure increases day after day.

your shrieks fill the air cut short by the bombs

no more laughter now all of it gone

there's no reason no rhyme no excuse for you now

put the gun in your mouth squeeze the trigger, pow.

no thoughts for the others, what you leave behind

a mess and a mass of broken tangled lines

your hands in mine and the games that we played

you threw it behind when you should have just stayed.

And in my breath I whisper
what do I need to change
so low it's inaudible to my own ears
Then I kiss the tips of your fingers
linger and walk away
You'll never know what I said
And I'll always try and forget it

Closer closer
so close
it's coming
closer
I can almost
but I can't
it's close
closer closer
I feel it
I can barely
but it's close
so close now
closer closer
it's closer closer

Full bottom lip, bit
red to perfection
the world is a screen,
a bright television.

Eyes glazed and stoned
you fall on your ass
too goddamn tired
to deal with the trash.

Your life is a ship,
inebriation the wheel,
drunk driving again
last attempt to feel.

Because I no longer remember how to be poetic.

Melancholy dreams that
lit up in her mouth
and burned all the way down in
an alcoholic inferno.

Fireflies replace the air in her
lungs; she coughs them up between breaths
with alarming regularity
and in the cold air the sparks fizz out;

silent shrieks met with
laughter and taunts and self
deprication, and fears that bubble
in through her ears and out in hiccups of light.

(By the way, I am
terrified that you love
Drugs more than you love
me.)

Love? Love is
empty houses and shattered plates
cuttlery hilt deep in the walls bleeding
ruined paper.
Love is eyes snapping open at
three in the morning the gooseflesh
crawling up your arms as the
blanket shrinks. Love is
a cold Sunday morning with
empty cabinents a bleeding
wallet. Love is
the pangs pulling your flesh tight across
your stomach, love is
the inability to swallow a single
word as your body rejects it spits it back
at the speaker like bile
it echoes hollowly, love is love is. Love is
an extended blade against your neck bleeding
the imminent threat, you fear the
possibility not the situation, love is
walking through an alley late at night
love is creeping shadows love is
claws stretching for your ankle love
is love is love is.
I love you baby your eyes are Empty the
words echo
hollowly, love is love is.

Can you
even explain yourself to yourself
in coherent words
Can you cry
Can you sigh
Can you really or can't you
As you sit by yourself
on a bench in the dark

Utterly useless
passerbyer
on my good side
quick to decide
if it's worth your time

Do you laugh
Can you laugh
If the sounds was appealing
in your chest
take a breath
it's all going too fast
Do you breathe
if you could
would you choose to still sit here
all alone
on the stone
paved stepping stone path

Utterly useless
passerbyer
on my good side
quick to decide
if it's worth your time

Look at me
With one glance and you've made
a laugh or a sigh
saw you mumble or cry

Utterly useless
passerbyer
on my good side
quick to decide
if it's worth your time

Simple gaze
complex mind
Darkened eyes
love to hide

Pretty face
crinkled eyes
sharpened tongue
full of lies

Secret past
never told
always bought
never sold

Let me in
never will
tortured soul
loves to kill

wont matter
still I talk
little mouse
loves the hawk

Hey Mr. Blissfully ignorant
You're living the life, aren't you dear?
That shagged hair hasn't done you wrong
Those tortured eyes
Your tortured friends have taught you well
That simplicity is nonexistant in this world
of teenage angst and unrelatable spirits.
How's independence going
when it's putting you on a leash
in a line towards the hypocritical masses
all trying independence
just. like. you.
It sounds great, it always has
to those unbiased ears of yours
that have really gotten you far
Haven't they?
Or maybe this whole thing is turning
and the torture is real
and the independence is bounded
and the price is too much to endure
but you can't escape, can you?
It's much too late for your doey face.
Just let me hold it in my hands
one last time before you pull the reigns
and our mistakable history vanishes.
You could've been good, you know.

Let's stick to the pavement
picking leaves like minds
looking for stars on a black blanket

Hey, it's nice to meet you
I feel like I've seen you somewhere
But it's so different know
But that's okay
I kind of like this.

So let's stick to the pavement
And to the stars
and listening like we're used to
and maybe for once we can speak
if we even know how

I have a feeling we'll learn in no time.

Carry the lumber
Sink into slumber
You seem quick chipper
For a sailor shipper.

(For the fourth album)

Slicing crystals with our fingers tips
they slip
the slice deepening with smiles
that seem worthless
and remain undeserved

Let's just jump to the stars
the scars
and let it go like liquid in hands
with no hope but sinking
quenching earth's thirst

See it clearly now?
IMprinting on your head
your molten fingers
warming my ice
I'm not good for you
but the heat is unending
let's stop and laugh
this too shall pass

He was scared, I was petrified.
He was vulnerable, I was naive.

Did you know you own my heart?
I've been trying to take it back lately
but you've got quite a tight grip
and I don't think you even know that.
But perhaps that's a good thing
because then you might let go
And then I'd be alone for a while.
I'm sure I would end up directionless.
Your hands have been warming it for some time
and I don't think I'd rather like
that instantaneous rush of chilled air.
So maybe just keep it for a while longer.
Maybe until it becomes burdensome
because I wouldn't want to trouble you.
It's just that for once I feel it beating
and I don't want it to stop.

fuk this

hesitation
the stutter
my eyelids flutter
fingertips shudder

You dropped your coat on the snow
and summer melted it below
buried beneath the grass and weeds
buried beneath the fallen trees

slips of paper
tucked in the lining
summer coat and winter secrets
being eaten by the dirt
that's where it all belongs

reincarnation
readaptation
move on and look straight
don't you can't turn around

Splintering strings down my spine
one by one
pulled apart with a flickering tug

I know what you do to me
day by day
but I can't help the falling

So which is worse
Living the with hopeless hope
or facing the helpless help

They're trying to help
they're trying to understand
but they don't
never have

Dunking me under the waves
breath by breath
I feel myself sink, but won't let go

I'm just your loose stringed puppet
dance by dance
under your control, wishing it reality

So which is worse
Living the with hopeless hope
or facing the helpless help

I know what you're doing
I get it, you got me
They're all right
always have been

So which is worse
Attempting to escape the unescapable
Or settling in the unsettled

So lonely

after all

this time

still so lonely

the sun

in the sky

reminds me

of what I'm not

the tree branches

whisper

they reminds me

of what i've lost

so lonely

after all

this time

still so lonely

the world turns

and the breeze

cartwheels

through my hair

the birds sing

and the fields

beckon

me to dance

head back

arms out

spinning

through the world

so lonely

after all

this time

i'm not lonely.

I grow more silent day by day

I'm worried my vocal chords will break

I'm worried of what you think of me

I'm worried to say what I believe

I'm worried these pants are too tight

I'm worried this shirt won't fit right (these words won't sound right)

I'm worried that you will forget me

I'm worried to say what I believe

All the words are torn and frayed

memories fade day by day

normal is a distant dream

I'm conscious of how soft I seem

you said you'd stay; you had to go

I don't know why; I'll never know

Hope aches here and then it leaves

I'm scared to say what I believe

Your lips

on the soft lines

of my veins

Nothing

ever can

stay the same

I'm worried it was all meaningless

I'm worried this hope is pointless

I'm worried this cycle will not end

I'm worried I let you mean too much

Days go on and I get dim

I hate these damn(/stupid) expectations

We could fall back easily

I'm worried to say what I believe

Your lips

on the soft lines

of my veins

Nothing

ever will

stay the same

I'm worried that I have lost my touch

I'm worried that I didn't mean much

I'm worried of what you think of me

I'm worried to say what I believe

Hope aches here and then it leaves

I'm scared to say what I believe

I'm worried that you will forget me

I'm worried to say what I believe

I'm worried that you will forget me

I'm worried to say what I believe.

starting out

you came to me

with broken bones

and everything

tied in a knot

around your throat

you said to breathe

you had to choke

between the cushions

died the ghost

of that knot

around your throat

you were happy

clear as day

you cried to leave

i cried to stay

pages of paper

my wedding gown

the years snuck by

without a sound

your face grew chiseled

my hair turned grey

you held my hand

i walked away

your demons fled

but here's the thing

they're still here

inside my ring

binding me

making me choke

i wear your knot

around my throat.

I miss sitting next to you guys
I miss the laughter
I miss the comfort
Now I'm 2000 miles away
Eight years away
An irreversible distance
And you're all still there
Together with no spaces
No creases to fill
And I would give anything
To go back one day
And have it all be the same
Just as I left it

Just like everyday of forever
She watched him walk, just walk, just walk
Infatuated by an apathy
Or patience of mock, of mock, of mock

Words that never satisfied
Her reasons to fall, to fall, to fall
But that glimpse of a single linger
Forced her to crawl, to crawl, to crawl

A sickening type of desire and lust
Blood so sweet, blood of rust
Always a chase, a race of rage
Both too stubborn to exit the cage

Touched by the grimm
He was faced with fate
Fearing the sickening rate
At which it was caving

Capabilities of passion
Fought with love and rage
Tearing out the page
Only to paste it in

And page by page
She caressed his corruption
With a soft hand
And a sharp tongue

And line by line
He slipped in suspension
Too dignified for love
Staying lonely, so lonely.

there are so few signs of you left and

i feel everything breaking

all the walls are being beaten down

smashing crumbling falling

one by one and it’s leaving me

ill and exposed

vulnerable in a way i swore i’d never

i didn’t want to be like this again.

i don’t want to let you break my heart

i don’t want to hate you

i don’t want to let you let me go

there isn’t much

i can’t do a thing to make this any different

i haven’t let it matter but it

drains me you know? it is

draining to talk to people who are

well i just want it back i just want

best friends, you know, your

definition sucks, i don’t like this

i don’t much care for it

i want nights on the phone and days spent together

that is reasonable

i don’t like this distance, what the hell

is it all changing for.

fuck you, you are hurting me

and you promised you promised baby you promised

WHY the question bursts from my lips and struggles against my tongue

it shoves apart my teeth and i clench my aching jaw shut.

(you haven’t said I love you in the longest time)

it doesn’t have to be like this

i am ok i am ok you know that i want to just be friends

but it is hard when your fingers around me, well

well to be honest it’s just in my mind

i stop trying you disappear

testing my theory, oh god please don’t

prove my hypothesis , i can’t stand it no not one bit

why don’t you

miss me

the way i

miss you

and if you

do

why do you

seem

perfectly

wonderfully

fucking

happy without

me

when i am dying

in increments

hidden

tucked into the side

i am disappearing until you get here

this rib cracking gasping realization,

i fucking need you baby i need you with me,

i am gone i am gone i have given it everything i can

and it terrifies me i am more scared of anything in the world

i am scared i am scared

that you will never

never

get there that i will just fall away

and land face first on the hot cement

chip my teeth and break my nose and never repair the

internal damage.

but what other choices have i got left.

so please oh god please

love me enough to miss me achingly

love me enough to need me to breathe

get rid of this space give me back

the comfortable closeness it breaks my heart to have missing.

How dare you
not fair to
theres no need for deceit
discreet
you can still defeat
me and my fantasies
can't you see
that I just wanted honesty
you promised me
said to me
how it would be
and a believed you
no reason not to
I know that I've got to
just don't lie
playing sly
to my attention
and good intentions
I gave you air
time to stare
moments to glare
time to repair
and there was no reason
to lie is to treason

Why are people so inclined to display false intentions
to love someone and hide it for fear of rejection
to love someone in itself is nothing to hide
vulnerability and shame are the consequences
no, not punishments, just a step from ideal
to look directly into their eyes as they stare
what a rush compared to aversion and gawk
putting your feelings on display is confidence
what a burden it lifts from your chest
as the outcome is placed in their hands
the worst scenario being one without change
to end up nowhere is the largest tragedy
but what tragedy is one with no regret?

Mind cleared, thoughts smeared
Not sure how I feel about this
Drowning in an OD of feeling
or sinking in a pit of apathy

It's unbelievable, it's unbelievable
and quite frankly I'm shaken
Still seeking where it came from
and pushing to discover its end

How can I be blamed for this
tossing of words and smiles
when my heart was unveiled
too fast for my mind to follow

Humiliation or redemption
unfortunately out of my control
two minds so alike
that their flaws keep them apart

Dear Julia
I just wanted to say hello
It seems that we've grown apart
as we learned to grow
The distance between our houses
has always stayed the same
but the distance between the two of us
has nothing more to gain
Dear Julia
I remember we never strayed apart
I told you all my dreams
Which you supported from the start
We were the best of friends
Your house was like my home
and my family was your family
my backyard for you to roam
Dear Julia
Sometimes I hear a song
that reminds me of those times
and how far they're gone
As I ride past your house
I know that our friendship's done
but sometimes I look back
and wonder where it went wrong

stormy eye

stormy eye,

i loved you dark into the summer

your pretty cheek

molded in my fingers

i felt nothing

the sheets whispered softly

smooth porcelain

in the pale morning glow

i loved you and

i felt nothing at all.

stormy eye,

i loved you dark into the summer

breathe separately,

the air is running out.

She keeps her chin up
Her shins cuffed
to the right stuff
Watching their legs twist
With the darkness
so foolish

She knows to be classy
with her lips sassy
and her heart brassy
Watching them laugh free
But she disagrees
Always has a plea

They make her shatter
constant batter
waste matter
But somehow she's ashamed
The one to blame
Can't be tamed

There's always something twisted
Watch me stand by his side
Smile plastered on my face
From behind I've learned to hide

All is perfect, all is kind
Love is anything but blind

But it means nothing to me now
Not anymore, not in this life
Smiles have lost their touch
But not enough to clutch the knife

Words escaping from their lips
No more trusting anyone
Even when there's certainty
Drop it, leave it
It's there to deceive you
No one can please you

various things

mope.

everything is falling apart,

my world is tearing open my

fingers reaching for empty air

where is my hand to hold why

does everyone watch

blind and laughing

and let it happen.

Tinkle me pink

Tell me I'm pretty

But I'm not blind, kid

I know I look shitty

Dress up in tutus

Thrashing with glitter

Twirls getting dizzy

But I'm not a quitter

Blush covered freckles

Eyes painted blue

I know it's pretend

I'm not quite yet through

Wearing tiaras

Painting our nails

I'm not a princess

And this daydream fails

balance

When I care too much things can be so beautiful

but mostly they just seem tragic. I teeter constantly, spinning on the edge of Whydon’tyougiveafuck and You have no reason to want to cry your eyes out. But

I want to cry I want to

cry so badly everything hurts everything is beautiful but everything is tragic everything is

squeezing my chest. I am battered black and blue I am

beaten up inside the hollows under my eyes are black and blue the skin on my arms is

exposed too much about me is now vulnerable and I just want to believe I just want to believe I just want to believe in us.

I don’t think how could you know you can’t understand you can’t possibly that every thing you do every little thing affects me so fully believe you me believe me just trust me i don’t want it to be like this I hate being so pathetic I hate the

the the the goddamn ache in my ribs I get from loving you too much

I need to find some fucking balance .

I want to sing

I want to sing about how my heart starts up when I think of you
How your voice can drown out all the rest of the noise
How when you laugh it’s infectious
And when you’re upset, all I want to do is comfort you
How I would do anything for you
I would never turn you away, or tell you to stop, or to leave me alone
How much I want to hold your hand
And rustle my hands through your hair
And tell you that I love you and then kiss you
And then lean my forehead against yours
And just stare into your eyes without being able to wipe away my smile
I want to sing about how it would be for us to be together
How I would show you my world, and you’d show me yours
How we would go on adventures together
Walking through fields, or going on road trips, or just sitting on a couch
How much in love with you I’d let myself become
I want to sing about our cliché moments
And the moments that we’ll make unique
I want to sing about how it feels to look at you
And embrace you and lay next to you when we’re both sleepy
With your arms wrapped around me under the warmth of a blanket
How we would dance together without a care in the world
How I would tell you all of my secrets
And how we would become the best of friends
And take on the world together, just the two of us
I want to sing about everything that you and I could become
But I’m afraid that words won’t be able to describe it
As well as my mind can picture it and my heart can feel it

Get me out of this skin
The scratches, the scars
Engravement of sin

I’m drowning in chaos
Grimacing and crying
Don’t want to be lost

Someone pull me out
I’m sinking and screaming
About to blackout

Gripping the branches
My nails are bending
A few more chances

Give one last shriek
Please someone, anyone
Left to defeat

from january

A breath, a momentary glance. She stood before her window staring, arms spread curtain gathered bunched up in her fists. One second, a single click of the clunky clangy clock, one heartbeat than another. She had not moved then and she could not now, the faint pale winter light slipping in through the cracks in the shades. She had tangled her hair in her fingers like so many spiders and the moment had passed, no different than any of the previous thousands of moments but leaving her extraordinarily changed inside. Like someone had reached in through a hole in her throat and yanked everything out in one awful single tug. What had filled her before was gone, no more organs or tangles of veins, just a hollow map of webs but no one on the outside could see there was any difference through the thin shell of her skin and bones, they couldn’t see that everything was gone and that she was just a home for spiders.

It hadn’t been impressive. In fact, thinking back on it she could not remember what it had been at all, the thing that had entirely uprooted everything she had hugged to herself as true her entire life. It had just been one of those things, something you see out of the corner of your eye that makes you turn back for a second look, and then you just turn away and shake it off ignoring that strange feeling invading your gut. And now she was wholly different. An utterly unchangeable change, and no one noticed that the girl who climbed into bed that night was not the same girl who had woken in it.

Gangly, gawky, there was something about the gracefully bruised curve of your knees that twisted around the vocal cords tight in my throat, and I couldn’t say a word.

Your eyes flicked inmy direction brown but maybe a little green spiraling out hidden secret I just wanted to know. I stared at you for probably a second too long and you dropped your gaze down to the floor and rocked eversoslightly forward and backward on your heels on the cold concrete floor ; youpulled your shirtsleeves down over your hands hide hide hide and crossed your arms awkwardly over your thin ribbed chest.

Who are you where did you come from but the words were not strong enough to break through the walls of my teeth were not creative enough to unglue my sticky lips.

and this is me, apologizing profusely for the myriad of new red lines crossing tangling up my arm. And this is me, breathing deeply for the first time in weeks, clutching my makeshift knife in barely trembling fingers. And this is me, proving you wrong, proving everyone wrong who said You don't need it. and this is me, with nothing to complain about but a fucked up sense of relief. this is me, feeling guilty for letting you down while at the same time beating myself up for not cutting deeper, what the fuck are those half assed barely bleeding scrapes if youre going to do it at least do it right at least make it count.

It isn't a matter of quiting I wish I could tell you I wish i could tell anyone it's just a matter of the time in between, how long i can pretend I've stopped for good.

Here is what i really want, I want to press so deeply that i dont have to think for hours i don't have to be in my head, I hate this ephemeral relief that's already flooding out of me because it's been so goddamn long and i am so goddamn stressed out.

fuck I can't even i don't feel this it doesn't even sting and that more than anything scares the fuck out of me it doesn't sting not even a little where is my where why doesn't it hurt why isn't it taking me away why is does my chest still hurt more deeper need now pull and I hate myself for hurting you this isn't your fault why can't you why doesn't anyone understand me when i get this way

i hate myself so fucking much but i know that somewhere there is ap art of me that I like i can't stand god I need this to go away god god god this is me apologizing because I am so fucking sorry i'm breaking my promise

I'm a mess
distressed
pretty in a dress
put to the test

You're smile
awhile
somewhat senile
put on trial

Our lips
slips
hand in your grip
fixing the rip

We're tangled
mangled
jaw is angled
being strangled

What chemistry
symmetry
will always be
you and me

last night

Last night we drove to the edge of the world and parked on the bluff and looked at the ocean. The rain drizzled down like a lazy faucet, my feet were bare on the ground in the puddles and the slow wet trickle soaked through us layer by layer all the way down to our bones. Four matches and the cigarette was lit; we passed it between us and I tried to sneak an extra drag while you blew out smoke.

You closed your eyes and leaned your head back against your car and said Aah this feels so good and I didn’t say anything I just watched you unable to understand why the words made me a little sad put a twinge in my chest. I wish I could make you feel good without this I wish I was enough I wish you didn’t want this I thought but I didn’t say anything still because smoking had been my idea to start with and I am not out to change who you are.

Our fingers touched closer and closer as the cigarette passed between us and you held on to the filter embers smoldering a finger length away. Mind if I take it? you said and I shook my head and watched you finish it off, holding in the smoke packing it into your lungs like you wanted to die like to be in the world would kill you.

I spun out a few steps and lay flat on the ground on the pavement and looked up at the stars. It makes your body numb but it makes me numb on the inside I wanted to say but of course I didn’t I don’t talk too much when I am thinking. You’re crazy, you said, you’re going to get soaked, let me help you up.

Head shake and above us the thin clouds passed it had stopped raining by now. I watched the stars and you talked about the universe and how small everything really is how small we are and I didn’t say much, I just wanted to lay on the cold wet ground and stare at the sky and watch everything turn and feel numb numb numb because it scares me to care so much all the time and it’s true, we are so small and all I want allI wan t I just want you to hold me tight and all i want is to be better than the drugs you breathe into yourself all too often all I want I just want you to love me the way you say you do.

Please, let me help you up, you said and held out your arms and nothing sounded so good to me in that moment as just lying there slowly freezing to the core watching the earth spin but I grabbed your hands and you pulled me to my feet and we drove back to my house where you wouldn’t let me have another cigarette. It’s not fair for you to worry about me, I thought about saying but by that point my lips were cemented shut. I can’t cut any more and you won’t let me smoke enough to get away, what else am I supposed to do?

We took a walk and you asked me if I was all right and I smiled a little and nodded and said Mhmbut I don’t know why I am scared by you when you’re on drugs I just want you to love me that’s really all, and then we went inside and danced to electronic music Chiodos The Gorillaz and I cried a little about something stupid and then C came and you left and we went to her car and smoked pot out of a bong she constructed easily and with practice. I didn’t like it very much I did it I I breathed smoke out of her window I wanted another cigarette instead but I didn’t say that I didn’t say much at all.

Much later we lay in bed more than half asleep and she said How did I get this bad? and I said It just happens and she said I’ve smoked seventeen bowls tonight and I said You should smoke less and she said I know but nothing is going to change not really.

The stars spin so prettypretty.

Sometimes, you say and then you stop. Sometimes what, I say. You turn your head lift it up and look at me, eyes miserable. Nothing, you say. It has to be something, I sigh and I don’t want to play this game any more, I don’t want to care.

Don’t worry about it, you say. I look down at you, crammed into the narrow space between the bottom of the bed and the wall, knees tucked up tight to your chest like the world might end and you are trying to make yourself as small as possible. I stretch out wide across the bed and take up as much space as I can because suddenly small is not okay because suddenly I need room because suddenly this layer of skin pulled tight across my bones is not large enough.

Fine, I say and watch your head instantly crumple at the sound of the curt dispassionate response, graceful pale swan neck folding down dark hair curtaining your face from me from the world. When something hurts you go far inside, you said to me once back when I actually cared what you felt. You back away from everything else and curl up tight with your pain knotting your chest. Talk to me, I said to you then. Don’t shut me out, let me in let me help if you go inside I want to go with you.

I almost ask how you are, for old time’s sake. I almost lean over the edge of the bed and grab your delicate hand in mine and kiss the myriad of scars you’ve spangled across your wrist. I almost but then I don’t. I don’t care about you not really, but I do care a little that I don’t care anymore. I don’t care, but I remember caring remember endless nights holding you as closely as tightly as possible remember wanting more than anything to make it all okay.

Sometimes, you say again, voice muffled and quiet against the tights covering your knees, sometimes I wish things were different. I look at you and you lift your head again tilt back your face and look at me too and we just look at each other for awhile both silent and not quite content. I don’t say anything about the pill container I found in your drawer last week even though I think that maybe I should. I don’t say anything at all.

Silence eats you from the inside out, you say pulling a string on your tights and unraveling a section of the neverending pattern. So does cancer, I say. You look at me through half-closed eyes. that isn’t what I was talking about, you say and I shrug and pretend I don’t know exactly what you mean.

this isn't really a song but i just wanted to write.

I just want it to be right you say and then there is a moment of silence where you are waiting for me to say something back but I keep the air sealed tight away behind my lips and then you laugh a little awkwardly and I exhale slowly after a long time. Nothing is right I say and you shake your head gold light torching the soft dark strands of your hair. Some things are right. But you don’t look at me as you say it.

The rough chop cut of bangs hitting my eyes is not as it should be is not fitted is not me at all but none of this is and isn’t that the point after all. None of this is right, none of this is how it should be but it is not something we acknowledge we keep it buried down deep unspoken renewed in silence every morning. When the slanted light cuts through the thin fabric sheet we wake up on opposite sides of the bed where we have twisted away to during the night as our bodies know they are not meant to be tangled together in the ways we force them, as if they know this is wrongwrongwrong.

Your hand twitches forward like an accident until you brush a thumb across my cheek the joint gangly and ungraceful and the touch rough against my face. I love you you say and you turn up your lips and I stare at your eyes and they are beautiful but there is nothing in them. Well, you say. Aren’t you going to say anything.

I turn my head and hang my hair forward like a curtain separating us greasy and in knots. I need to smoke I say and you frown because that’s the wrong answer of course but you hand me a cigarette anyway and light it too, cupping your hand around the flame unnecessarily. I take a drag and you take it from my fingers but you don’t put it to your lips you just hold it there delicately like the faintly smoldering ember end might set you on fire. Don’t you love me you say and I take back the cigarette. Yes, I say and inhale. Of course.

Keep it clear
Keep it clear
Keep it clear as crystal
Intentions coming close to harm
Destructive as a missile

Wish I saw
Wish I saw
Wish I saw this coming
I would have tried avoiding you
To keep my heart from drumming

Now I see
Now I see
Now I see they're empty
Eyes can't match the love in mine
Less than when you met me

Let it be
Let it be
Let it be as guided
I believed you that were genuine
Now I see you're just two sided

Keep it clear
Wish I saw
Now I see
Let it be

blank paper

blank
paper
the only thing that makes
sense
anymore.

Every thing's so good now
We're at the right pace now
But do you still know how
To embrace it somehow

I miss your smile right now
I can't believe that somehow
I made your liking slow down
How to make it turn around

I'm happy we are friends now
I miss your voice right now
The laughter in its light sound
Makes me smile somehow

I wish I liked you right now
I know we're friends for now
But I've come to notice somehow
I miss you as of right now

reverse

When did the world flip,
who pulled out the rug?
You're tricky, you got it out
right beneath my feet.

Now I would kill myself for you to care
I hated my apathy
Now I'm in so deep I'm drowning
you scare me out of my mind.

I just want you to care
a little teensy more than I care
I want to know this won't
break my heart.

you say NO but
how else could i breathe?
god, i can't write for shit
I'm sorry.

God you’re so beautiful
Is it a sin to still think so?
A glitter in the eye of the thoughtful
As deep as the darkness of a black hole

Like a star in the sky I’m still falling
In my mind I can hear you still calling
Like a cat on a quilt you’re still pawing
Digging deeper until I’m down crawling

But my God you’re so immaculate
To stare at you with no regret
A hammer mauling in my chest
Its beatings never take a rest

Forget that hole that you caved in
Just smile and my heart will start to spin
Don’t tell if it’s wrong to feel again
In terms of this sin Satan surely will win

Not enough time in the day
I want you to stay
But letting go will help me grow
Have it your way